Ultra-Health Special: Super Chocolate Death Tart Sandwich

Before you read any further, ask yourself this question:

What is better than a slice of chocolate tart?

Obviously, the only thing better than one slice of chocolate tart is two slices of chocolate tart. Hence, this recipe is based upon two philosophies. The first is that two is twice as good as one, and the second is that anything bland can be redeemed.

Yes, bland. The simple fact of the matter is that this tart is a tad dull by itself. It's practically pure chocolate, which some people will, no doubt, find pleasant enough. However, variety is often the spice of life and the quickener of death. Thus, daredevils and mad scientists may find that a few additions can take this tart from execrable to exciting.

I won't bore you with the recipe itself. The filling and glaze are taken precisely from Epicurious, and the crust can be lifted from my other tart recipe.

Now, the exciting bit.

You will need:

Lots of gastrointestinal fortitude

A selection of fresh fruits and vegetables

Meats, cheeses, and volcanic ash

Sugar

Ice cream of several different various varieties

Ginger

Butter

Anything else

I personally opted for the blackberry/vanilla ice cream tart sandwich, but you may do as you please. If you are wondering whether or not certain ingredients will clash with or compliment your tart sandwich, simply ask yourself "What is good with [insert ingredient here]?" If the answer is "everything", proceed.

For the BVICTS mentioned previously, simply cut two generous slices of tart. Slather one slice with vanilla ice cream and strategically place several blackberries on the ice cream. Next, smash the other slice on top, crushing the berries and allowing the juices and ice cream to intermingle freely. Garnish with an additional straag of ice cream with a berry on top.

Now, set aside a few hours for wallowing in a sugar-overloaded torpor and chow down. Next, follow this simple one-step process:

1. Mid-sandwich, ask yourself this question:

Is it good?

If the answer is positive, continue. If it is negative, start over with a different set of ingredients. I suggest the ginger/walnut/ peach sorbet chocolate tart sandwich, or GWPSCTS for short. Eat, and then re-proceed to step one.

Ultra-Health Special: Peanut Double-Butter Tart

In keeping with the current trend of healthy desserts, I have prepared a low-calorie alternative to eating pure lard. Behold the Peanut Double-Butter Tart!

This nearly sugar-free slice of heaven is so healthy, you'll have to force your friends and family to eat it! Cringe at the near-tastelessness of its rich dark-chocolate fudgey topping! Cower in fear of the nutritious Oreo and butter crust! Swoon with apprehension at the salubrious smell of the highly-substantive whipped filling! It's even fortified with at least two vitamins or nutrients!

If you value the well-being of your digestive system or the digestive systems of loved ones, print this recipe now!

Naturally, this recipe was adapted from Bake or Break, and they got it from this book.

You'll need:

One 9-inch fluted tart pan!

30 Oreos!

8 tablespoons of butter!

8 ounces of cream cheese!

1 and 1/4 cups of peanut butter!

1 and 1/4 cups of milk chocolate chips!

3/4 cups of dark chocolate chips!

1/4 cup of corn syrup!

2 tablespoons of vanilla extract!

1 cup of brown sugar!

2 and 1/2 cups of heavy cream!

First, the crust!

Take all of your Oreos and cram them into a food processor. Destroy them. Once they resemble powder, put them in a mixing bowl. Next, melt your butter and put it in with the Oreos. Mix it up with a spatula (or something similar to a spatula, such as a trowel) and press the resulting compound into your tart pan. Refrigerate it.

While your crust is chilling, take half a cup of your milk chocolate chips and melt them in a double boiler. Once melted, spread the chocolate over the crust. I suggest removing the crust from the fridge before you try this. After the inside is coated with a beautiful layer of liquidish chocolate, re-refrigerate your crust. If you live somewhere cold, you could put your crust outside instead.

You are now finished with the crust.

Next, the filling!

Find yourself a sturdy mixer and combine all the peanut butter, brown sugar, and cream cheese. Blend it until it is all one color. You may choose the color. Set that aside and whisk one and a half cups of cream until those highly sought-after "soft peaks" form. Now, fold the whipped cream into the peanut-buttery concoction until you have again reached the uniform color of your choice, such as light brown. Spread the resulting mixture across your tart crust until it looks pretty and stick the whole thing in the freezer (or in an igloo, if you are using the outdoor method) for fourish hours. After that, cover it with tin foil and congratulate yourself on a tart well made.

Finally, the sauce!

Put all the rest of your chocolate in a mixing bowl (heat-proof, obviously) and bring your remaining cup of cream to a simmer in a saucepan. Then, stir the corn syrup into the cream and pour the whole thing over your chocolate. Let that sit for two minutes or so before stirring it up into a delightfully healthy sauce. If you like, you can let the sauce cool and refrigerate it (covered, of course), but it is much more fun to slather it on your tart and eat it then and there.